I. Am. Not.

But how am I expected to continue trying over & over again if every fresh attempt is faced with failure. EVERY.

Yeah I’ve heard the cliche’d, “Failure is the mother of success” , “When The time is right,everything would fall into place”, etc etc etc..yada yada yada…blah blah blah..

No matter how positive you try to be, how much you try to hide behind a facade of smiles, if failure meets you at every attempt, shadows you at almost every step when it’s already hard enough to TRY, tell me, even with positivity the size of Goliath it would slowly chisel away.

I’ve seen it come easily to others. I’ve seen people not even trying still blessed with it.

And yet it evades me.

So hear me now, I give up.

Someone said to me “its difficult to chin up when your hearts a trillion pcs on the floor….”

And that’s exactly how I’m feeling now.

Dear Lord, only You know me better than I know myself…

And I guess today, or should I say since yesterday, was just one of those days. Not only was my mouth taking a voluntary vow of silence of sorts, even my mind was silent. My usually “busy” tweets are just re-tweets…even my FB status is un-updated.

And that rare moment of silence from my usually ‘busy’ mind was quite a welcomed respite. I tell ya’, it gets kinda tiring having so many random thoughts rushing thru your mind. That’s partly one of the reasons I have a blog, to take a dump of all those thoughts…well, to be honest, some of them are not random thoughts. I do think a little bit too much sometimes. About a myriad of things.

Now I’m not saying my thoughts are so importantly mind-blowing it would get me one of em’ Nobel Prizes or what nots, just that, well, sometimes I have a random thought popping up in my head every few seconds! Heck, some of them thoughts are better kept a secret coz’ they sure as hell would land me into some kinda trouble one way or another…

Do I sound like some neurotic psycho to you? Yeah well, sometimes I think that’s me too… cutely neurotic..

But seriously, where do you escape when you want to get away from your own mind?? I mean, you don’t wanna totally “escape” and like lose your marbles..! But you just want some quiet time from your own thoughts.

Music is fine and dandy, but it doesn’t really cut it out for me. Music is more like a relaxation thingey, not escapism.

For me, well I’m a self-confessed bookworm so where else better than into my books & land of fairytale & fiction.

Yeah yeah, some of you naysayers would be saying “wahliaoooo so nerd!”, “gila is it?!” or “urhhh you’d still be using your mind what!”, etc etc, so on & so forth. But for me, it works!

When I read, I can escape into another “world” totally. How? When I read, I would totally focus on it and my mind would imagine the scenario that I’m reading, coming “alive” in my head. I don’t really THINK per se’, my mind would just go into auto mode and whips out the scenario that I am reading.

Weird? Maybe to you, but its fiiiiiiine by me.

Hey, at least I’m not going bezerk and streaking naked in public or something. Now THAT would be really scary…for the public I mean.

I personally just think your’s truly have a very high level of intelligence imagination.

I guess, if I really do have a penny for every single one of my thoughts, I would be a rich rich lady by now….

But I do know I ought to be thankful for this weird way my mind works. Coz’ having a mind congested with many random thoughts, enables me to understand somehow the mind of a child. See, a child is ever curious. They are always asking WHY? and thinking WHY? So that means they have many thoughts and questions in their lil cute heads. (and that means I have no reason not to understand their curiosity and to stop myself from getting irritated with my children’s constant monotonous WHYs?….urgh.)

Empathy people. Empathy. The ability to put yourself in the shoes of the other person and be compassionate to their plight. Some thing I am trying very hard to teach to my little children in school, apart from the usual “Please” & Thank Yous” and social manners and graces.

See lah, apart from having many random thoughts, I also have meandering ones..! I wanted to blog about how my mind & self have been silent, just that. Lo and behold I have typed a whole entry ranging from that up to other things.

Hopeless case of meandering randomness I is.

If I’m complaining about it then why the heck am I still addicted to it?? Well,I guess it’s because of the fast response you get from it. As compared to a blog where you don’t know whether anyone is reading or not. With Twitter & FB, when you post an update & get a response, you feel like, “Hey, someone IS listening to me & my blabbering thoughts!”

I guess another reason why Tweets & FB are more preferred could also be because, well, I’m exhausted. I get home from work all exhausted  that I want to do nothing more than just shower, eat & just bum on the couch like the sloth that I am on weekdays. Eventhough I would have a million thoughts in my head to pen down, I just do not have the strength to type down a whole entry. And trust me, when I start tapping them lappie keys I can just go on & on….yes, call me intellectually long winded. :S

So am I considering shutting down this blog?…. Hell no!

I am a literary geek. I thrive on reading & writting. I feel constipated when I don’t have a book to read for more than 2 days. I feel congested & clogged up when I can’t write down what I feel & think. Solely because I can’t express my feelings & thoughts verbally. Why? coz’ I’m just shy that way. Plus, half of the things I think about might just make people think I’m some psycho nut or something.

Now do you know how this blog got the name “cloggedup”?

Yeps, I would still be blogging on & off in here.

If I sound like a geek to you, that’s because I AM one.

In today’s lesson we started on the 2nd module and for me, this is the lesson proper as this lesson on we would be learning about actually being an Infantcare Teacher. If you think being a teacher to infants is basically being like a high-end babysitter then you are not just wrong but possibly narrow minded too.

Babies are not like older kids. They don’t follow rules, they learn thru play & their actual teachers are actually their environment. The most important stage of learning takes place between the age of zero months till 3yrs of age. This is the age when they absorb information around them like a sponge.

Never knew that didn’t you?

In fact, here’s a small info, you know how sometimes  babies look at some mundane things with loads of interest like maybe a pencap, blanket, colourful rugs, small toys or other things that we, as the jaded adults that we are, think is an absolutely waste of time (sometimes bordering on stupid) to focus our attention on? well, all the actions that they do with that particular object be it the shaking, rattling, banging or even sucking/biting, is actually them learning. They first learn to realize that that thing exists “eh look at that!”. Then they realize that they can do things to it or with it. Then they realize that certain things can’t be done with it. And so on and so forth the process keeps repeating over & over again. That’s why a baby can be so entertain and entralled with a simple object for a long long loooooong time.

Amazing isn’t it!

Now you know why I love being around babies so much?

These little beings are such an exquisite little bundle of amazement that not realising how special they are is, in my opinion, our greatest lost.

And that is why I love doing what  I do. For I am not only a Teacher to all my babies & Tots, I am also their student and biggest fan.  :)

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I caught myself thinking, maybe it’s Me? Maybe I am rubbing her the wrong way? Maybe my attitude should change? Me, me, ME.

Now I’m very sure, it’s not Me..It’s Her!

This bitch is like a walking mood swing time bomb!…Maybe it has something to do with the descendence of her into old age eh? *smirks*

But seriously lah, this witch just gives me the “I’m faking it” vibes. Its’s like she’s faking it just so she could be the “popular” one, the Queen Bee…. (well she’s fat enough to be one so yeah, perfect role)

Yes, I can be acidicly mean when I hate someone or something.

And she has this thing about showing off. Like how she has a laptop (just your typical HP brand lappie) and she lugs it to work everyday and whips it out every chance she has.

Earlier this year, she went on a trip to Bali & I swear everyday before her departure its “Bali this” , “Bali that” Bali bali bali!.. I swear it friggin annoyin sia! I mean Hello?! Bali is like Soooooooo over rated lah. Nak pegi buang duit & brag about it then go lah to Europe, Paris, Morocco.. Mecca even! At least these countries is far, expensieve & has a rich cultural history…Plus it has great shopping opportunities! … Ini, Ye elekkkkkkk, setakat Bali tak payah lah kau nak menjerit terpekik terlolong nak kasi tau satu kampong.. Low class lah bebbbb!

But, I guess, ignorance breeds a cheap slut.

(Ooooooooh yes, I am UBER pissed off with this one)

Recently her favourite word that cmes out from her mouth is “my boyfriend”… why? Coz her new BF is an ang moh.

Seriously, nothing to wow about. Sure he’s rich enough to live in a Condo & buys her an ipod touch (the cheapest one & bought at Mustaffa’s), but still, nothing to be in awe about.

Coz I am quite sure the man is either butt fugly, using her for god know  what or is blind…. coz she herself is fat, black & fugly.

Sighs, I HATE being so bitchy like this but sometimes you just gotta channel it ALL out in the worse possible way and like once & for all, just channel into that ‘Dr Jekyll / Mr Hyde’ side of you just so you can move on & be like “whatever” about it all the next day. Just so you can just flick off that pesky fly of a problem when it starts showing up again.

Do I think of her as a pesky fly? Yeah.. The yucky maggoty sort that swirls in the worse of dirts & most disgusting of carcasses……….. Shoo!

And now i can’t sleep. :/

Eyes sleepy, but brain wired & alert. Craps.

On the bright side, a lady from my course class today told me she thought i was just 19yrs old & that this job was my 1st job. Imagine her shock when i told her my real age.. ;p

But, for every ‘Yay’ there are always the ‘bloody hells’
Another lady in the class came up to me before we broke off for lunch and asked me “are you pregnant?” !!!!!

Like WTF?!!?!?!?!? :s

Must be the stoooopid shirt i’m wearing giving her impaired vision the screwed up notion lah!… Plus it sorely didn’t help that i am bloated for the past few days… Which also explains my weird craving for coke.. :/

I swear it ain’t easy bein’ a girl.

It’s fun though,no doubt about that.

But NOT easy.

It’s been almost a year in fact…. I know, how bad of me.. but its not because I don’t want to, it was because I needed a sabbatical. A little time away. Like the old saying goes ‘Absence makes the heart grows fonder’

But it is also because I have beeen quite tied up & busy ith life in general.

I remember when I 1st penned my thoughts in here it was all about how I have just started my new job in Sentosa & how I gushed about it etc etc etc..

Hmmm, well, now I have a new job. Something that I would not have taken up if it was not for the sensible foresight of my 2 dearests Nutty & Loos.

Thanks to their cajoles & support (and also mental psycho ) your’s truly is now a Teacher. An Infantcare Teacher to be exact. Basically my job involves me working  with babies.

I loooooove being around babies. They are just so adorable & such wonderfully curious little beings…urhh, and drooly too..

Thanks to this job too, I am now in the midst of taking up the Certificate In Infant & Toddlecare course. And apart from babies there’s nothing else I like better than being a student & gaining knowledge.

Yeah I know, such a geek I am but hey, that’s Me.

I am not a party heavy gal who believes that life is all about living for the now & Now means to party sampai lupa diri.

I am not a perfect size zero who dons the latest fashion impeccably every single time (but I AM a fashion guru in my on right.. )

I am not the gal who turns heads coz she’s so gorgeous she makes the menfolks pee in their pants.

Nope, that is all not me.

Me, is the boring girl who loves snuggling in bed on a cold rainy day with a good book puchased from her recent jaunts to the bookstore.

Me is also that same gal who loves pampering herself with retail theraphy and hanging out with her her 2 besties.

Me, is the gal who has an addiction of sorts to the smell of new books & furnitue @ Ikea that it almost seems like they are her own personal brand of Endorphins.

Me, is the gal who loves long summer dresses & skirts as opposed to the short minis coz’ she’s just a gypsy at heart that way.

Me, is the same gal who doesn’t mind a baby throwing up on her perfectly chic dress but would curse & swear  like an old retired Ah Lian  if a spot of stain lands on her.

And Me, is also the same girl typing out this entry when what she should be doing is sleeping coz’ she has a whole day of class tomorrow!

Yes, Me shall have to force Me self to retire & go sleep now or risk turning into one of them walking dead tomorrow.

See, I told ya’ it was not because I don’t want to write in you, it’s because I’m so darn busy & lazily tired all the time!

Bah!