My friend is gonna go for an interview this fri with MOE. Its for a teaching position that she has aimed and strive for for sooooo long . Now 1st and foremost let me say this: I AM HAPPY FOR HER. REALLY.
It’s just that I am disturbed that when I 1st received her SMS yesterday nite telling me happily about this good news of hers, my 1st reaction was Jealousy. Yes, That Ugly Green Eyed Monster. Why am I feeling so? Honestly I am happy for her, especially since I also think she needs that job change what with the currect work situation she has now. But somehow a part of me was also feeling left out and I was also wishing that I had the same opportunity. Wait, I did have the same oppurtinity, twice in fact, but I turned it down both times. So why would I want to feel jealous you ask? I Dunno. After pondering about it for a while, lying down on my bed waiting for sleep to come, I finally realized that it could be because I harbour the same desire to teach. Yes, I do. But the one thing that is stopping me from grabbing the opportunity is the fact that as much as I can stand little kiddies and their erratic behaviour and moods I SERIOUSLY can’t stand the parents nowadays with their over the top behaviour and protectiveness that makes teacher’s life a living hell. That and also the fact that if I am to pursue my dream to teach then I would have to take up the course before I am certified and even though the course is a scholarship the pay cut (drastic pay cut) is not something I can’t afford to have. As much as I want to take up the Montessori Scholarship I also have to think of my family above anything else. I might only be in charge of the Utilities and telephone bills but to me that is an important responsibility not to be taken lightly. Maybe that’s why I am feeling jealous huh? Seriously I HATE feeling jealous of anything or anybody. I just don’t feel it’s me lor. But somehow the green eyed fiend always manages to somehow creep up on me quietly and leave that feeling of dissatisfaction and it stinks.
To think that the 5secs of jealousy yesterday is not enough, she has to inform me today that during the Muse concert that she went to yesterday nite she had the opportunity to grab hold to a cute hottie and thet it seems the cute hottie seems to like our other friend who also went to the concert with her BF (now that story btwn me and her is another saga by itself). I reaaly like the fact that she got a chance to grope a hottie during the show but seriously what is making me feel Jealous (again!) is the fact that a guy is easily attracted to our other friend (we shall call her the Sheep from now, dun ask me why we call her that, suffice to say she can be quite “lost” most times) who is already attached, who also btw, does not even TRY to get recognition or guys to even look her way. Does not even need to either. Why is it so easy for people like her that she doesn’t even have to try but for people like me it’s an uphill never successful task??!?!?!
Gawd, I can feel depression slowly setting in again. NO! Must not let the Green Monster get the better of me!! I am not that kinda person! I am happy being me!
*sings to self, ‘Beautiful’*
But seriously, sometimes you just can’t help but feel envious of others good fortune.. Guess it’s just a human liability huh? Nobody goes thru life being un-jealous of anything or anyone, except only for our Prophet Muhammad SAW of course. Sighs… but sometimes I just wish I can get the answer to my whys. Especially to my why question of ‘ Why others don’t have to try sometimes & I have to toil so hard but in the end still see nothing coming my way..’
Gaaaaahhhhhhh….. Bahhh Humbug! Forget it lah, if I’ve to toil and slog then toil and slog it is. I just don’t like the idea of being old and alone. If I have one wish it’s to have a family of my own. I’ve a fear of growing old alone. A BIG FEAR. No shit on this I tell ya.