It’s after lunch and I still don’t feel better than I did earlier this morning. Obviously food did not help to elevate the sinking heavy feeling.
Why is it that everytime I thought I manage to elevate myself from the feeling of deprivation and uncared for solitude, I’m thrown back in into the same pits of despair? Why is it so hard to just feel really happy? Why is it that the house that I use to think as a home seems more and more like a stiffling stuffy hole?
Why must my parent be the kind of parent that they are? Why must they be so blind to what a prick my 9 yr old brother can be? Why won’t they scold and chide him for being so rude to me but scold and slap my little sister for just ignoring him when he calls her and saying he’s “sibuk” for being so irritating? What? A son is thousands times better than a daughter is it?? A son can guarantee them a beter life when old is that it? A son is so “up there” in status that whatever they do is right & don’t deserve or warrant any scoldings is it?
I’m so tired. Both emotionally and physically. This is why I never wanted to have siblings in the first place. I knew what would happen. But dad’s excuse when people ask was to say he wanted me to have siblings so that I won’t be lonely when I’m older and when both parents have gone.
But I knew even then that what he wanted was to try for a son. Even when before I was born he has already hoped to have a son but unfortunately enough he was stuck with me. Though he says constantly whenever he re-tells the story to others that he’s thankful enough that I’m born normal and that he has the status of a father, deep down inside I knew he would always have that yearn for a son. And I was right. He even said it before to his son, while infront of me and my sis, with my mom, that he loves my sis and me 100% but he loves his son 110%. No offence, but no matter how he means it, it hurts for me to hear him say that whether he means it or not and I guess that thought and feeling sticks with me until now like a gooey gunk that refuses to unstick and just grows stronger and dirtier as time goes by.
Sometimes I feel like I want to just stay on my own. Get a place to live and be independent. But I can’t for I don’t have the moneytary means (even if I do I’m not gonna waste it on that) and also because I still have someone in that house that I love immensely, My Little Sister. My Little Precious.
I guess that’s how I took it out on my family. The more they deal with my sibling’s situation unfairly hey more I’ll love my lil’ sis and ignore The Son. As it is I’m refusing even to acknowledge his existence in this blog. I’ve resolved that I would keep on doing that until the day that they realise what they’ve been doing wrong (like THAT is even gonna happen). I’ve resolved to just focus on my sis and don’t care what is happening to The Son. He can have his life tunggang tebalik or whatever & I won’t want to care. And yes, folks, I have started doing just that. He calls out to me, IGNORE. He asks me something, IGNORE.He wants anything, IGNORE. Being a bitch aren’t I? Good. For as it is I am already fed up. Enough already. I am like a nonexistent entity in the house anyways. I am an elder sister and is being called such but am not being accorded with the same degree of respect. I don’t have any backing from my own parents so what’s the point anyways. At least my sister can still be talked to and she does listen to me (though she has her little stubborn lapses, that little imp).
I know I’m being kinda childish here, but is it too much to ask for respect and your own parent’s backing on it?? I don’t think so.
Sometimes I feel like I’m carrying the emotional weight and burden of the world on my shoulders. Sometimes I feel like just going somewhere and cry. Sometimes I feel like just going away on a holiday to places that I’ve always wanted to go.
But I can’t. I know a family can never be perfect but can’t it be @ least emotionaly undestructive?
I’m like a stringed bird. I can only go so far. My emotional well being can only be strong for so long.