Writting is very therepheutic. Whatever shit you have in your life you can basically purge it out in writting about it & spew explexitives to it or anyone that’s choking up your life. If only it would also make all your problems go away then it’ll be the answer to all my problem. Yes, the money problem is cropping up again. First I’m hounded by Courts (thank god im gonna settle everything with them by this thurs pay!) now i’m being hounded by the Utilities people for outstandings in our bill. Liek that is not enough, i still have phone bills to think of! Just the thought of it all is making me physically sick to my stomach. Where am i gonna get the money to pay off half of the bill?! I asked dad whether he can help to settle the first half pymnt but i know we are gonna have problem in that coz’ Dad’s not working no more and mom is already all choked up with the home payments and my sibs fees as it is.
God i feel like such a failure as a daughter. I used to be able to make the payments monthly. Now with all these piling up i dunno what to do anymore. If it snowballs then there’ll be an even bigger problem.
No wonder i’m single still at this age. Who would want to marry me and into such a family that i have?! Constantly plagued with problems. I’m such a slob. I’m such a failure. I’m such an ugly duck. It’s all me and the family problems really does not help @ all.
I know one shouldn’t compare ones life with others for their lives might not be as perfect as it seems to us, but i certainly want another life now. Ok maybe the same life but minus all the money problems. Just cut that crap outta my life and I’ll feel way way way better. I can’t ask for help. The loan my fren gave the last time is not even settled! Truth be told im thankful for the help given by my friend the last time but @ the same time i feel so embarrassed by it too. Now there’s this Utilities problem to think of… I’m SICK of it! SIck! Sick! SICK!!!
Why the fuck should i even aspire to change my lifestyle! Why th fuck should i even want to change my outlook in life and the way my body is rite now!!? Why should i do all those fucking things if the same problems just keeps popping up time and time again!
I plan to make changes only to have it go fucking wrong time and time again. And to top it all, i don’t feel like my parents love me sometimes. My Dad doesnt show emotions with me. My mom whom ive not seen since young does not seem bothered to look for me, Her First Born. I just feel so alone & unloved in this world sometimes. I know they love me, but i guess thats how i am. To love me is to show me. If i’m not told i’m something then i won’t know and i won’t believe it. That’s how i thrive. I have low low self esteem. I have a tad bit more confidence than i do self esteem. How’s that possible? Well, self esteem is groomed by our parents, how they treat us when we were younger. It has a permenent mark on us no matter how small is the thing that they do. Confidence is just something that WE groom in ourselves. Its a feeling of Gusto. The ability to pluck up courage to do something. My self esteem lessons ended the day my mom walked out of my life. But @ the same time im thankful for watever love and lessons she has imparted to me before she left for it has helped me lots of times is life. My confidence is all mine. I was the one who trained myself to be confident of my actions. No one is more responsible about it than me.
Rite now all i want is for my problems to be over. I want to be able to live thru this test again. I want to be able to just ignore the fact that men don’t look @ me twice ( or even once for that matter..) So What! I don’t need your acknowledgement to make me feel like i am worth something! I don’t need Them to make me feel like i’m a sexy woman. I AM A GOODLOOKING WOMAN GODAMMIT! And i don’t fucking need these morons to make me feel good or bad about myself!
I CAN GET THRU MY PROBLEMS. Ive done it before and i shall do it again!… I don’t know how but i shall try. And this time i wanna make sure it does not come back! Please help me God. PLs help me.. Im not a good human being that i know but please help me..