Sun 3rd Sept 2006

I’m gonna start my new job on Tues and rite now I’m scared of it. My friend said it’s just me being scared of the unknown. Maybe, but considering that my sixth sense is never wrong I am getting really worried. That’s why I’m writing this down figuring that it mite help me pacify my anxiety attack.
Do I need the job? Hell yeah. Its not that the place is not nice or the people is not friendly. In fact, the office feels very cosy & the people so far was quite welcoming & friendly enough to me. It’s just the Place where the office is situated that bothers me. It’s in Sentosa & it’s in this quiet secluded spot that quite close to Fort Siloso. The outside surroundings seems quite spooky & creepy looking to me. Totally hate it.
Why must life throw us ‘Curveballs’ ? What I mean by a ‘Curve ball’? Problems, stress, head splitting money problems and all is related to these. I mean, yeah sure to a totally annoying always happy and positive human being it means a chance for us to improve and test ourselves and come out of it a better and stronger person. That it is god’s way of building our character. Yeah, I guess it’s kinda true but seriously there’s only so much a person can take before she starts comparing her life with someone else!
I always wondered what it would be like to have the life that I’ve always dreamed of. It is not solidly problem & stress free, but at least it’s all very minimal and has all the perks thrown in. My perfect life would be growing up in a home with a full set of parents that loves each other and actually shows it. It would also be inflicted with minimal problems and I won’t have to face repeatedly. In my perfect life I would be thin, obviously. And I would by now, be married with a family of my own & my husband would be an intelligent, kind, patient, loving & witty man that I love who holds a great paying job that enables him to care for the whole family & more & lets me be a lady of family & occasional leisure. Maybe as you’re reading this it sounds like I’m asking for a lot but actually I’m not.
I just want a life that’s mine.
Somehow the life that I have now jus does not feel as if it is for me. I do not feel satisfied and complete with it. I just don’t feel like I belong. Sometimes I feel like I’m looking thru a looking glass. Maybe I’m just at a low self esteem point of my life. I have never felt so useless and stupid like this before. I feel as if all the feeling if being “talented” & “smart” that I had before was just delusions and that all the self assured feeling of being comfortable with myself was just me covering the hurt and self hate that I was really feeling inside.
I want to change my life. But I don’t want to change for all the wrong reasons. I want to be financially stable with savings and investments to my name. I want to be able to look good and feel good. I want to lose weight. All ‘ I Wants’ but no way of starting. Or to be more correct, I Dunno How To Start!! And when I am able to start, I Dunno How To Maintain It!!!
I guess there a lot of people out there who feels and has the same problems as I do. Our problem is not really how to start on something but rather, How to maintain it. I think this mite be one of the root cause of my commitment problem. The thought that you mite not be able to maintain a marriage or even sustain the “love” that you have for the other person is enough to scare anyone about marriage and commitments. I have seen a lot of marriages collapse when I least expect it and I’m scared to end up like any of them, coz’ I don’t want my marriage to be like any of it. I do not wish for history to repeat itself twice in my life. My parents divorce was enough for me. People who know me mite think that the separation of my parent had no effect on me coz’ I was too young to remember much.
That’s what they think. One very clear effect that the divorce had on me is my ability to make decisions when I’m made to feel like I’m ‘Forced’ to choose. I don’t like making decisions under pressure. Pressure me 2 decide and I’ll hate you for life. I was only 7years old when my parents asked me to choose who I want to live with and that scarred me enough. Imagine being that young and being awaken in the middle of the night by the sound of your parents arguing in hushed tones and have it end up with a question posed to you that would ultimately effect the course of your life without you realizing it coz’ you’re just too young to know. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I had chosen to live with my mom instead. Would my life be better or worse than it is now? Would I still be able to have the friends that I have now? How would it be??.. Sometimes thinking about all these issues that I have in my life really makes me feel bitter about life itself. But I know that I have to cover it all with a mantle of oblivion if I don’t want to end up a bitter and angst ridden woman. Psychologist might say it’s not a healthy pill to swallow doing such things but fact is I don’t know how else to handle it.
All these emotional breakdowns are really wearing me down. Don’t know how long more I can last doing this “I am a happy and bubbly girl with no problems in my life” act. All I want is to be able to be Me. The real Me that I I’m most comfortable with but unfortunately don’t know how to be. The real Me thrives on praises for all the good and right things that I’ve done and all the hugs that I get from people who shows me their love and appreciation for me. Sadly, none I get from my parents. (to be fair, my dad is not the vocal or showy kind with his feelings) And none I get from anyone else but young kids in my life. I guess maybe that’s why I keep looking for love so desperately at times. Maybe it’s just me making up for lost times…