22nd August 2006, 1.15am

My birthday has came and pass recently. And how did I feel? Did I went on some rampage to party my ass off? Nope. Just had a nice quiet “celebration” of sorts with my family and Grandparents at my Gram’s. Both my paternal granparents have passed on. I don’t meet or visit my maternal grans coz’ mum & dad has split and I never have met my mum for the longest time ever. So we celebrated with my step-grans. It’s kinda weird to know that you are not related to someone by blood & that I’m called the granddaughter only coz’ their daughter married my dad & I came with the dowry. But then again as I grow older I came to realize that I don’t feel like I fit anywhere. Which is kinda weird coz’ these kinds of feelings and issues are only supposed to happen when you are in your adolescents and not when you’re in your 20s. Well, maybe I am having an early mid-life crisis. I’ve almost always been the first to try something weird so I guess it’s not suprising.
I started feeling “out of the group” ever since 2 or 3 years ago. It’s a really weird feeling when I first realized it. It’s almost as if I’m having an out of body experience. I remembered looking at my group of friends talking among themselves about some issue or another and how awkward I felt (and being the oldest in the group didn’t help@ all), I hate to say this but I felt, or at least something inside me was telling me that I’m waaaaaaay pass all these. That I don’t belong anymore. I tried to stay away from those friends of mine by plucking up the courage to refuse one gathering but I realized that I can’t bear to be away. They are my friends & I love them (even though they can be a real bitch & arseholes at times, I still do love them..sighs) I sometimes think I’m with them only coz’ I don’t have a big pool of friends and they’re almost like my only key to ‘A Life’. But as time moves on I realize I was wrong and that I can still do things & go places alone. I just prefer not to. Things are twice as much fun when you have the right person next to you as you go about doing whatever it is you’re doing. We humans are social creatures, that is true. But what I’m realizing now is the fact that when people have their own life to lead, when they have new folks in their life to love, friends seems to become secondary or almost obsolete in their lives. Unless you work or study with them, you ain’t gonna see them it seems. Everyone is so busy.
What’s happening to all of you?
Don’t you remember the times you spent after school with your friends? Don’t you remember who was the one who listened to you as you blurt explesitives & cried your eyes out when your boyfriend broke off with you? Don’t you remembered who accompanied you when you had to do something you absolutely was terrified to do?
What happened to you my friend? Why do you forget so fast?
It’s really depressing to feel this way right after your birthday, but thank god for people in my life who makes me feel that life is worth living after all even though we have those moments in life that makes you just think life sucks.
Friends is not the only one that makes me feel left out in the cold.my own relatives makes me feel that way too. When I compare how others are with their aunts & uncles & how I am with mine, it really saddens me. Other’s, even my own cousins especially, can jest & talk with their aunts & uncles without any hesitation but I can’t. I’ve tried putting on the thick skin and tried jesting with em’ but it somehow always ends up cold. Maybe I’m paranoid or too sensitive but I somehow have this feeling that they have never really liked me. My own relatives not liking me. Sad ain’t it? After much pondering,I finally realized that they root of their “hate” or displeasure could stem up from the time that my mum left my dad. Me being the kid with her own set of opinions was also not helping me in the popularity polls. But being a kid I was above all these notions.I naively thought that no one could ever dislike me coz’I did not do anything (at least in my perception) to make them feel that way towards me. The first incident that I remembered being shown that I was not really welcomed was when I was at my Gran’s place and I was not allowed by one of my uncle to play with my younger cousin & her friends. That time I was only about 8 years old I think. Being the typical kid I went over to my dad who was talking with the next door neighbour & told him what happened. Whatever happened after that was a blur tome & I don’t really remember now, but I remembered being asked by my dad to fetch my stuff & that we were going home. We reached home and I remembered quite sometime later my Granpa appeared at our front door. He talked to my dad and asked if to let me come back with him and that my dad can pick me up later that night. My dad refused to do so at first but my Grandpa’s only words to convience him was, ”She’s my grandchild and I have the right to bring her over to my house.” My dad agreed, I was brought back to my gran’s and was picked up later that night and the incident was not spoke of after that. All through my young life I didn’t realize that I was not that liked by some of my relatives. What I knew was that my Granpa was a fair and kind man. He’s quiet but I know he loves me just the same as my other cousins. Even though sometimes I hear one of my aunt say so and so was my granpa’s favourite, I somehow didn’t believe that coz’ I believed strongly that my granpa loved us all the same. My Granny was almost the same as my granpa except that we all know that if it comes to her choosing between her grankids & her own child she’ll take sides with her grankids coz’ she loved her grandchildren a whole lot. My Granma nagged a lot sometimes but there’s no exception toher love & care to us. I can safely say I was practically brought up by her when I was younger. Any school holiday or MC I would be sent over to her place. Not all of my aunt tooka “dislike”tome. My eldest aunt who recently passed on was a strict woman but she does not hate me. Though sometimes I feel like she does, as I grew upand became more sensible, I came to realize that whatever she did, she did it coz’ she cared and for that I am eternally grateful. She was the one who taught me about the birds & the bees (sorta) and about periods and stuff that any girl should know. Heck, she was the one to buy me my first bra! When these people in my life has passed on I felt sad for my dad coz’ I somehow felt that he’s alone now. He mite have many sibling but no one understands him more that my Granparents and my aunt, his eldest sister whom her respects very much. My aunt was always telling me & my cousins when we were younger how my dad never spoke against her even though she was in the wrong & he was right. Whatever happened he would always be the first one to say sorry.Even though he was a tough guy who beats the crap out of gangsters at home he was as meek as a mouse and he never raise his voice in anger to his dear elder sister or his beloved mom.
When I realized all these displeasure that people in my own family had towards me I was in my adolescent. I tried very hard to change. I started putting on the mantle of thick skin and tread ever so carefully with them. I tried to show them that I am not as bad as they think I am. But after a while I discovered that they would never change, so now,I really can’t be bothered at all. Whenever there’s a family thing, my whole family would come, but me, I would just pick a nice corner for me to sit & surround myself with my little niece & nephews or cousins. I think it’s better to surround myself with kids who are always honest & kind & don’t mind me being the crazy immature person that I can be sometimes. Especially since I’m unmarried or attached yet,I have absolutely nothing in common with my other cousins who are all married with kids in tow. I am forever treated like the immature brat with no brains when in actual fact I can beat them ALL hands down in the sensibility dept! Not to mention the fact that I might not have any degree or diploma to back me up but I sure as hell know more about many stuff in life then they all do!

I’m pissed off not because of recounting my past and having to face the ghost of yesteryears, but I’m pissed because nobody seems to appreciate me. Nobody seems to appreciate me & show me that they love me. I have ceased to ask love from my parents coz’ both my dad & stepmum are not the kind that show their feelings & affections. My Mama has her own family, and even though she’s the one that I need sometimes, I can’t have her.
People might think I have a super life, but in actual fact I am very alone and it hurts.
All I want is for someone to love me unconditionally. To show me that love. I guess that’s why I love being with kids. They are so honest with their thoughts and emotions. My only wish in life is to be a wife and mother. Very prehistoric I know, but there’s nothing else in this world I long for. Sometimes I feel as if I might just end up old & alone & that, secretly, is my worse fear. I fear growing old alone with no one to love & love me back in return. Even as I type these words my heart race in fear and my eyes starts to pool with tears. That’s how much I fear it. Problem is I dunno how to start chasing away my fears & changing my fearful vision of the future. Praying for a miracle is not enough, but its all I can do for now. If it could happen to people in life whom i know of who does not openly flirt but still end up with their supposed soul mate then why must life be hard on me to let me have what I dream of ? I don’t ask for riches or glory. I don’t ask for power or glamour. I only humbly ask for my hopes to come true. I only ask that my fears would never materialize because the moment I realise it does, then I would die inside…..

I seek for my dreams in every faces that I see
I see it materialize for others but never did it does for me
I fear my hopes would never happen
And that I would only be left with a heart that is saddened
Hopefully someday love would find me in the rough
I hope someday love would finally be enough
I hope my dreams would be fulfilled
And not ruined by the rising of the sun
The sun would shine on another day
It don’t matter to the sun
But it matters to me

All the rejections that I have encountered in life have so far not brought me crashing down. All the loves in my life never had a fairytale ending. All these I endured in the hopes that it brings me closer to my Utopia. All these I endured in the hopes that I would end up with my own little happy ever after…………